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| Me sitting by mom's portrait, a few years after her death. |
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| Mom helping me to walk on my first birthday, Oct. 1964. |
These days, some 13 years after losing my mom, I'll find myself thinking of her in a different way. After this much time, obviously the shock of losing her is long gone and now thankfully, I rarely find myself on the verge of tears when I miss her, unless I watch a movie my mom & I used to love or hear a song that takes me over the edge. After Mom's funeral, someone told me that someday, when I think of my mom, I'll be able to actually smile and even laugh. Thankfully, for most of the time, anyway, this is where I'm at, now.
A lot of things this past year, however, have caused me to actually miss Mom more than usual. 2013 has had many milestones for me. Milestones cause us to reflect back....so while smiling through my daughter's first holy communion, celebrating 10 years of wedded bliss and facing my own mid-life crisis as the big 5-0 stares me down, I find myself desperately wishing I could chat with Mom, to hear her take on my life these days.
Today, on what would have been her 72nd birthday, I though it might be fun to script out a conversation I imagine we'd have if only I could call her in Heaven just once a year. This can be very therapeutic, according to my grief counselor of 13 years ago. I write a letter to my mom every year on her birthday but today, I'd like you to humor me, as I make a "phone call" publicly, won't you?
(Phone Rings)
MOM: Hello, been waiting for your call, you seem awfully busy lately! late again...
ME: Look who's talking.....anyway, sorry but we had mass, then I had to race home and get things tidied up and then--"
MOM: I know all that, I can see you, remember? My GOD, you've had a busy year since my last birthday, haven't you? I know WHY you're so chaotic. it's because you take on too much at once! No WONDER you're never on time anywhere and no wonder you lose things every day! And DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED on your SPEEDING with my grand-daughter in the backseat.... --
ME: Ma I KNOW all that....I'm a work in progress but even at my best, I'll never be as neat & organized as YOU were...I don't know HOW you ever did it, especially with TWO kids.
(MOM LAUGHS)
ME: How are things? How's everyone up there doing?
MOM: Not much new to report on MY end, everyone here is happy and healthy, as always. I see it's quite the opposite for people down THERE....
ME: I know Ma, isn't it just awful how crazy our world is?
MOM: Yes! EVERYONE there is racing all over the place, in such a hurry. I don't think, in all my years on earth, I've ever seen so many rushed and unhappy people in my life! I'd NEVER be able to keep up! And then there's all that texting and Facebooking, Twittering.... what do I care what someone has on their agenda? Why do people need to share pictures of their dinner or their dogs? Seems like a sad culture. Gotta admit, though, if I were still down there in my wheelchair I might have liked being able to keep up with everyone on that Facebook thing....
ME: I've often thought the same. Feels like the last 12 years of your life, while in your wheelchair, you sorta closed yourself off from the world. I often imagine you'd be the most popular gal on Facebook, because you were always one in the middle of all the action.
MOM: Geeee. I wonder where you get YOUR social butterfly behavior from?
ME: I am my mother's daughter. If you remember correctly, even with your walker and wheelchair, we couldn't slow you down, you were never in one place for more than a few minutes! Getting you to sit and do nothing was an impossible feat!
MOM: Yes, I admit I was a handful and I'm sorry all the worry I caused you all. Looking back, I don't remember why I was that way. All that stress now seems so useless. None of that even matters once you get here.
ME: I wish we'd both spent more time relaxing, together, Ma. I was always on a deadline at work and I never seemed to be content just sitting and chatting with you...I always had to be doing something WHILE we talked, as if sitting and just talking with you would have been wasted time.....remember that, Ma?
MOM: I do....AND I see my own daughter following in my footsteps. It's OK if you want to call a friend and just sit still for 20 minutes instead of mopping the floors or shaking out the rugs while talking. You CAN sit down with your husband and NOT fold clothes on the couch, ya know. If I knew then what I knew NOW...I'd have concentrated more on the PEOPLE I was with instead of all that silly busywork....
ME: Tell me, Ma...what else would you have done differently?
MOM: Well...I'd have been less stubborn and used more jarred spaghetti sauces, because they make them as good as I did and in half the time! Seriously, though, I'd find a way for both you AND I to learn to take things as they come at you, one crisis at a time. I'd laugh more and worry less. As I see from my seat in the house, things ALWAYS work out, but you can't tell God how to do his job in the meantime. You, my daughter, are a control freak!
ME: So were YOU.
MOM: Believe me when I say that your life will turn out exactly as planned. You can't dwell on trying to manipulate things to happen a certain way. Let go and let God. I called you a worry wart when you were 8. I see your daughter now does the same thing. Worry changes nothing. It won't change outcomes, so just STOP.
ME: Easier said than done....so...how ya think I'm doing as a mom? Be honest...
MOM: I'm so glad you spend time playing with my granddaughter. I didn't seem to have the time to do those fun things while you were little. We had lots of fun once you were a teen but life was different as a housewife in the 60s. I regret that now. I'm really proud you saw things my way and decided to stay home to care for her. You once said you'd NEVER be a stay-at-home wife/mother. I seem to remember us having a terrible fight after I said I hoped you'd do that....you said it would be a "cold day in hell" before you gave up a career you worked so hard to achieve to stay home and change diapers. Are you sorry now?
ME: Not at all. Ma, it all goes by so fast! I miss having my little 4 year old....she was still so sweet and innocent. Young enough to need me and she still adored me. I AM surprised, though....who knew a TYPE A like me would actually enjoy motherhood more than corporate life?
MOM: Told you! By the way, I'm tickled to hear so many people say she looks like ME. I'm flattered! She's got the Battistelli cheeks and large sad eyes. Boy, she's sure one busy little girl these days! She's got you running! All that dancing and singing! I am with her during every performance, you know. Seems like she's following your same pattern. Voice, music, dance....only THIS time I hope you'll encourage her to pursue this after high school. Your dad and I were so sad when you didn't major in music because that was all you ever wanted as a child and even through high school.
ME: You and Dad never let me forget it, either. Every time I quit or got fired from a job you reminded me I wasn't in my true calling, anyway. I'm so glad you can see her perform because I think of you every time she performs for a crowd. I always pray you can see her. About those activities....Mom I never truly realized how much time and money all MY extracurricular activities took up from YOUR life!
(MOM CHUCKLES) MOM: Ahhhh... this is music to every mother's ears.
ME: So...go ahead, fire away...what'd ya think of events this past year?
MOM: Marly's First communion was magical! From the people who traveled to be there to her party to her little solo, you did everything the way I would have done it. I especially loved the darling little HAT you wore, still my fashion girl, I see. She'll never know this but I stood directly in front of her while she sang. I tried to calm her. To see her singing on the altar in that DRESS....well I don't mind saying I was weepy. I'm sorry you couldn't find YOUR communion dress until after the big day but the dress you chose was lovely. You still have my sense of style, those capped sleeves were so Grace Kelley!
ME: You always were my number one fashionista. My happiest memories with you are always about fashion, trying on shoes at the mall or doing mother daughter makeovers...I am trying to make Marly's childhood equally happy....
MOM: Mind if I tag along on your next spa day? Ohhhhh, by the way, before I forget, Happy Anniversary! You made it to TEN YEARS! When I died you weren't even dating anyone, you said you were finished with men, they were all jerks. I'm so glad THAT changed!
I really couldn't have picked a man more perfect for you. You know how I always told you the other guys were simply not "the one?" Well.... John is exactly who I had in mind. Remember I said the man you marry won't care if he sees you without makeup or with curlers in your hair? He is everything I told you I'd hoped you'd have in a husband. I doubt you'd have made it to 10 years if you'd have actually married one of the other young men...
ME: Ma....
MOM: What? I told you you'd need a special kind of man to handle you. I for one think you did damned good! I even think he'd like me, don't you?
ME: Of course I do! I always say you must have hand-picked him once you got to Heaven. Mom, I'm sorry I criticized you about life with Dad. Turns out marriage is a lot harder than I imagined. Sometimes we get in ruts or fight about the stupidest things, like money.
MOM: Again, all of that stuff means nothing in the grand scheme of things.
ME: Can you believe how quickly Marly is growing, Mom?
MOM: Even though here in Heaven we have no sense of time, I do marvel at how quickly she's growing. I know my dying so early makes you cherish this special time all the more and I'm glad you do. If I tell you nothing else about life where I am it's that you should think less about the journey and more about the destination. It goes by in a flash. It's the only complaint I hear up here...people always say "if ONLY I'd have known this on earth...."
MOM: Oh, and two things are making me smile these days. I LOVE it every time you repeat a saying I used to say to you! And, don't hate me for this, but I can't help but chuckle when your daughter rolls her eyes at you!
ME: Your "curse" is in effect now, thanks....
MOM: Oh hell, we had our moments, but we turned out great, didn't we? Grin and bear it my dear, remember I once told you that you're not doing your job as a mommy until your daughter says she hates you. You're not there to be her buddy. You are her MOMMY. I'm glad you've passed my favorite words down to Marly...
ME: "Be a leader, not a follower... " and "Always speak up for yourself AND those who cannot speak up for themselves." Yep. I've told her that since she was three. I fear I might have taught her to speak up a little too well, Ma....
MOM: Well it seems to be working. You're raising an independent child. Never think that's a bad thing. Actually I'm very proud of that. You're doing well.
ME: I'm glad to know you think I'm doing something right in the mom department, it really is harder than it looks, this child -rearing...I often feel like a failure when I yell and lose my patience....
MOM: Oh, you're not alone. Ask any mom. And I hate to say it but I think you'll have plenty more struggles before she leaves for college. After all, you were a strong willed girl since YOU were her age. We had some real head-to-heads, didn't we? it's all about her growing up with that independent streak. She is, after all, YOUR DAUGHTER. I'd expect no less. Still...I promise your little girl will be O.K.
ME: Good to know. SO.... Ma, this year I'm really having a rough time... I'm kind of stressing over my next birthday.... I cannot seem to be able to grasp the fact that I'm REALLY going to be 50! I mean, you were only 58 when-
MOM: Stop thinking about that! I know you worry about your own mortality. That's normal. But my life at 50 I was in a far different place than you are now.... I married far younger. I never went to college or traveled. Truthfully, by the time I was your age I had grown children and your dad and I were separated. You waited longer before marrying and having a child. You were READY to be settled by the time you married and started a family. You were much wiser. I used to tell you that having a baby later would be fine....do you finally believe me now? All in God's time....
ME: Sure.... but by waiting so long, look at everything I missed! I missed having you HERE for all those special moments. You never met John. You weren't here to cry with joy when we got engaged. Your chair was empty in the church on my wedding day, which I thought was the hardest thing of all...until I became pregnant and I didn't have you, my go-to person, to share in my pregnancy woes and joys. You weren't in the waiting room when I gave birth and now.... Marlena has to call another woman Grandma! It still makes me feel ill inside. Mom, sometimes I still get very angry!
(SILENCE)
MOM: I was there for every one of the moments you just described. I stood in the bride's room with you just at the moment when all your bridesmaids had already gone up the aisle. I walked down the spiral staircase next to you until your father took your arm. I guided you as you prepared Marlena's nursery, I was beyond touched when you combined my mother and my names for your daughter's name. Gramma never stops talking about Marly, just as she never stopped talking about YOU.
ME: I miss Gramma. I miss you more, Ma. I still cry thinking about the first time I held her and I was missing you so badly I wasn't sure if I were happy or sad.
MOM: Do you remember that last night in the hospital right before she was born, you'd already been in labor two full nights and you finally dozed off in between contractions? You always say someone shook you awake. You know who that was? It was ME. I needed to be able to let you know somehow that your mother may not have been sitting there to talk to you but that I was there. THE WHOLE TIME.
ME: I've never gotten that out of my mind. Everyone I told say it was YOU. I thought I was hallucinating.
MOM: A mother NEVER leaves her children's side, even when she dies, it's a love that is stronger than death. You'll see that someday. You'll never leave Marlena's side.
ME: Ma, I know our time chatting grows near. I appreciate the mom-to-mom advice...
MOM: You're following in my footsteps even in a time when parenting must be so very hard because the world is so changed. I'm proud of you and your brother. In fact, when my granddaughter used to lie in her crib, I was right there. I still peek in on her now, day and night. You're doing your best which is all any mother can do. I'm with you. I see everything.
ME: This makes me happy. Mom, one last question....you always looked so much younger than your 58 years....any advice you wanna share with me now that I'm about to turn the big 5-0?
MOM: What'd I always tell you?? Take care of your skin, don't scrimp on hair products or shoes and always leave the table a little bit hungry....
ME: Easier said than done.... If I had the money I could do so much more, heck so many friends are already getting Botox and tummy tucks!
MOM: Ya know what?? If I were still down there I'd say the hell with it, go for those "tweaks." You're getting the same bags under your eyes Gramma and I had....but you have the power to break the mold...I say do it!
ME: Ma I'm surprised! YOU always told me to grow old gracefully...
MOM: Of course I did, but I never said you can't get a little help! You can STILL age gracefully but tell ya what, if Botox was around, I'd definitely have gotten them by age 60!
ME: Mom you were always the coolest....
MOM: OK, gotta run, I have a card game with all the Fritzes tonight and you KNOW how much I love to win! Kiss my grand baby for me, I'll talk to you next birthday.
ME: OK, Ma.....
MOM: Oh and Janice? This aging thing? Piece of cake. Don't hide your age. Shout it out LOUD. Be proud of every wrinkle and laugh-line. They are badges of experience. Hell, I'm even planning a party for your big day up here, so even though I can't call you at 1:05 a.m. like I used to, let's have a toast together, like old times, 1:05, a.m. on your birthday, stay awake, light a candle and toast with me, OK?
ME: Count on it !! Happy Birthday Ma, Let's have a glass of your favorite brandy tonight!
MOM: The only thing I miss up here while I drink my wine or Brandy are my cigarettes, it's all non-smoking up here now! I'm tellin' ya they're takin' away all our rights.....
ME: Some things never change. Love ya Ma.
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